On Longing

"Nostalgia cannot be sustained without loss."

This is my cousin Vicky and I. Vicky was my cousin closest in age, and someone I truly enjoyed spending time with. I was nine years old when Vicky committed suicide. Her brother and my other cousin, Jason, had died unexpectedly at a party in college prior to this. These losses were the first times I had been genuinely introduced to loss. Not only did I lose both of my cousins, but I had lost a part of my father I will never get back. I am constantly nostalgic of my childhood prior to being exposed to this kind of life-altering sorrow. Nostalgia is a bittersweet, lingering emotion. Loss has a way of making memories seem more valuable than they had been previously. I used to fear nostalgia and try to make it go away, but now I welcome it as a token of what once was.

"The souvenir reduces the public, the monumental, and the three dimensional into the miniature that can be enveloped by the body."

This is a photograph I took of my dash board hula girl driving down A1A. Although she is a trite car accessory, Stacy captures the feeling of my life in St. Augustine. Prior to moving to college, my parents had bought her to show the car was mine and no longer my mothers. After living in St. Augustine for 2 years I cannot imagine a more fitting souvenir to represent my independence here. The town itself provides so much history, tourism, and surf culture- all perfectly represented by Miss Stacy. Everyday when I get to drive down the beach with Stacy on my dash, I am reminded of how grateful I am that life has led me to this beautiful little fitting place.

"The souvenir exists as an example of the now distant experience, an experience which the object can only evoke or resonate."

This is a photograph of my wrist on my way home one of my favorite road trip this summer. I have always enjoyed collecting bracelets from places I have visited, but this was by far my favorite collection. Rings have never been my favorite accessory, but this one holds irreplaceable value to me. The mini adventure that brought me to this started the morning of my nineteenth birthday and ended roughly a week later. I had planned nothing, packed sporadically, and only notified a few friends. I camped on couches, spent mornings on the beach, surfed the afternoons, and danced the nights vivaciously. It was the first true taste of my independence and marked my true coming of age. I spent the last day of my round trip with the first person I can now say I had fallen in love with. He had made this, not specifically for me, but gifted it to me before I went home.We have since parted and moved on, but I keep the ring as a reminder of the way I had felt that trip and continued to feel that entire summer.

"The body is the primary mode of receiving scale."

This is a counterclockwise photo of me in Ireland. This quote immediately reminded me of this experience and even made me chuckle. The body truly is the primary mode of receiving scale. This was my first trip out of the country without an adult or caretaker. My friend and I had signed up for a 26 mile biking tour thinking we were well equipped for this and would finish effortlessly. We obviously had a naive arrogance going into this. When we were dropped off, I was immediately amazed by the immense size of our scenery. The mountains were unbelievably large, the fields seemed to be unending, and the fog stretched the ocean to the edge of earth. The bike trail ended up taking us the majority of our day including hours of rain and blistering wind. I had not realized how large the world could be until I biked Ireland. I was humbled by my surroundings in a way I hadn't known was possible. Seeing photos on the biking advertisement was inspiring, but seeing nature untamed in person was perception shattering.